Seifer's Journal
by Loi
Summary: Seifer's POV. His thoughts on his friends/enemies and himself.
1. Introduction

Title: Seifer's Journal  
  
Author: Tongari (a.k.a. Loi)  
  
E-mail: land_of_insanity@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: R (for language & suggestive themes ^__^)  
  
Summary: Seifer's POV. His thoughts on his friends/enemies and himself.  
  
Warnings: Suggested Yaoi; Character Death; BAAAAD Language (^_^)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the FF8 characters. I make no profit from their use here. Please, I beg of you...do not sue me...I can't afford it.  
  
Author's Notes: I just happened to find this...and decided that it was good enough to post...if I did it in sections. There are still parts that need to be written, and while I should be working on other stories (Harry Potter to be exact) I have been bitten once again by the Seifer-muse...and must continue/finish this story. I find it's easier to write than the others...maybe I'll get it done very soon. Note that this is how *I* see The Knight...and what *I* think is going on in his head...I also think he's British (just thought you should know lol). Please read/review...I'd like to know if the seeming success of my HP fic isn't just a fluke. Also, take note that any sentece/grammer problems are more than likely intentional...since Seifer is writing this himself...and doesn't seem to care. Please don't bash me cause my structure it off -smirk-  
  
I also apologize for the sections being so short...but they are journal entries...^_^;;  
  
  
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INTRO  
  
I can't believe that I'm actually doing this. Writing in a journal...it seems so...unlike me. So...womanly. Yeah, that was a bad comparison...but I've only ever heard girls talking about writing in journals...or diaries. Then again, would a guy want to walk around talking about it if he did? I know I don't.  
  
This is just for me. Only me...because I don't want to end up like Squall, talking to myself in my head. A year may have passed since I helped in a plot to take over the world, but it still feels as if it happened yesterday. Everyone tells me that I shouldn't keep all my feelings inside...that I should talk about them. When the hell have I ever talked to anyone about the way I feel? Never. I'm not going to start now either. So I'll just write them down in here. That's getting them out...isn't it? Of course it is.  
  
Bloody hell...go away! Shit...I'm going to be late for class. That's just what I need. To be late again, to have Quistis glaring at me as I walk into the room, to have everyone stare at me as I sit down. Guess I should go then.  
  
Why did I go to class? It was a waste of my time. Oh yes, I remember now. I went because...if I ever want to become a SeeD...I have to look like I care about all the things I already know. Oh well. Back to the journal I guess. I've no clue what to write in here really...Maybe I'll just start out with everyone that I know. Yeah, so that when they come in here and dig through my stuff...they can see how I really feel about them. Heh, always thinking of the worst possible situation...that's me. 


	2. Quistis

QUISTIS  
  
Quistis Trepe...Instructor Trepe...Lovely woman really. I mean it. She's beautiful...in every way. Maybe I should have dated her instead of Rinoa. Then again, it's against Garden policy for SeeD members or instructors to have any sort of "romantic" relationship with students. Actually, she's not even my type...no dick. That was crude...but oh so true.   
  
I can't really tell if she feels any different about me now than she did before this whole thing started. I know she says that she doesn't blame me, that she forgives me for my mistakes, and that she's glad I came back to give SeeD another try...but I wonder if that's how she really feels. If it isn't...she's a damn good liar.  
  
I've always admired her. Her success, in particular. I remember when we'd first come to Garden. I didn't know her, even though I should have. I remember watching her excel...and getting pissed when she made SeeD at 15. Her...a SeeD...and I was still getting bitched at because my trigger timing was off. I was positively livid when she became an instructor. Hell, she was my age...and I had to take orders from her! I tried to get out of her class...I didn't want to deal with her, but I wasn't allowed. They told me there were no other classes. Bastards. Still can't get away from her.  
  
It was kind of a shock to realize that I had grown up with everyone that was fighting against me. The more I thought about it, the more I remembered, and the more astounded I was to learn that I had forgotten about most of my life. I don't have any "fond" memories of Quistis as a child...I just remember her bossing everyone else around and trying to protect everyone from me. She didn't like me much then and I don't think that's changed much at all. 


	3. Squall

SQUALL  
  
My rival. Always and forever. No matter what, I don't think there will ever be a time when I'm not competing against him. I don't hate him though. I never have. He just pisses me off. He's so successful, so respected, so loved. Everything that I'm not. He always wins...and I always lose. He's trusted...and I never will be. He's respected...and I'm looked down on. I guess everyone needs an opposite...and I got Squall.  
  
I'm still inclined to believe that I'm a much better fighter than he is...that I've got more inborn talent. No one else would agree with me though...oh well. I think that if he wouldn't have had help the last few times we fought…I could have beaten him. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can pretend...right? He practices with me now...he says that the monsters in the Training Area are too weak for the both of us. Who knows? It surprised me at first...that he would want to have anything to do with me. Then again, he had welcomed me back to Garden in a decidedly Un-Squall-like fashion. But to spend his free time letting me beat the shit out of him...and vice versa...some people, including myself, have never understood.  
  
He's changed. He's not so quiet and introverted anymore. That's my job now. I think it has something to do with Rinoa. She's changed him...for the better I guess. He's more open with his feelings...with his opinions...with his friends. I even saw him kissing Rinoa in the hall the other day. Freaky really. Never thought of him like that until I saw it. He's not so cold anymore. Maybe that's why he let me come back. Maybe he felt sorry for me...pitied me. I don't want that, but I think I got it anyway. I'll deal with it. I have to. He'd never come out and say that he felt sorry for me though...he's smarter than that.  
  
Alright. I'll admit it. Squall is...hot. Well, that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Then again, I'm not actually saying it out loud to anyone. I'm writing it. But it's true. He is. Especially with that scar I gave him. Makes him look tough...which helps since he looks so much like a girl. He's pretty...not handsome, but he's pretty in a masculine sort of way. I'd never mistake him for a girl...but I'd never fear for my life if I met him for the first time in a dark alley. He seems so fragile...but I know better than that. I used to like him...so much that I dreamt about him. About us. There were so many versions...in the shower...in the training area...in my dorm. The only thing that was the same...was that it was us...and I was in charge. I think back on those dreams now...and they do nothing for me. It used to be that I couldn't do that...I'd get all "hot and bothered". Sometimes I couldn't even look at him. But now...I don't think of him like that anymore...despite the fact he's bloody good looking. I've moved on.  
  
I remember growing up with him now. I picked on him then...and I pick on him now. I used to get him close to tears when he was little...but he never actually cried in front of me. All I ever wanted was for him to talk to me...guess I just went about it in a different way than everyone else. When we got older...the same tactic pissed him off...I thought it was kinda funny. He sort of just ignores it now, or he taunts me back. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. 


	4. Zell

ZELL  
  
Chicken-wuss. Shorty. Squirt. It takes so little to get a reaction out of him. That's really the only reason I pick on him so much...because it's so easy to get him all worked up. Well...that and he's just damn funny when he's pissed. The air boxing is hilarious. His seemingly boundless energy is down right irritating sometimes. It wouldn't hurt for him to learn to keep his mouth shut...though I'm not really one to talk about that, am I? Teasing him is quite entertaining…but I don't do it much anymore. I'm more into ignoring him now...which makes him just as angry.  
  
He's a little too...emotional for me. Probably because I lack the ability to express how I feel so openly. A problem which some people call cowardice. They can fucking bite me. He lets everyone know just how he feels when he feels it and no one thinks less of him for it. That's what I envy about him. I wish I could care less about how people see me, but I'm too damn worried about what's left of my old image. It's just one more flaw that makes me who I am. He confuses me sometimes...especially when he stands up for me. I wish he wouldn't. I can handle the shit everyone throws at me all by myself...I think. Ok ok...so I can't, but why does Zell, of all people, have to be the one to tell everyone else to get the fuck off my ass? After all, I only ever give him a hard time. I guess it's just a Zell thing...to help people "in need"...no matter who they are. Maybe I'll thank him someday...maybe.  
  
Zell's...cute. Yeah, that works. He's not pretty like Squall...and he's not handsome...he's cute. Even though I make fun of him for his hair…I like that too actually. And the tattoo, I catch myself staring at that sometimes. I've never liked him as I liked Squall. He never starred in any of my dreams, but that fanged snarl of his is so endearing. I wonder what he'd do if I went up to him and ruffled his hair...I'll have to do that sometime...heh heh.  
  
He was just as amusing when we were little. Cry-baby Zell. Never once did he prove that wrong. In fact, he'd usually start to cry as soon as I said it. I'd laugh, he'd cry harder, and then someone would rush in to save him. Usually Quistis. Then he got adopted. At that time, I thought it wasn't fair...I was angry...and I took it out on everyone else. When it happened time and again...until only Squall and I were left...I realized something: No one would ever want me because of the way I was. Zell deserved the chance he got...and I don't think I'm the only one who thinks he made the most of it. Hell. When did I get so bloody sentimental?! I'm starting to scare myself. 


	5. Fujin & Raijin

FUJIN & RAIJIN  
  
And me. I often wonder why they're so...loyal?...to me. Sometimes I can't even figure out how I got friends in the first place. I'm not the most affable person known to man. But...even having said that...I don't know what I'd do without them. They don't seem to care that I'm an insufferable ass. They're always there for me...even when I was being mind-fucked by Ultimecia. They tried to help me...they believed in me. That's more than I can say for myself.  
  
"The posse". I didn't make that up...it was ALL Raijin. I don't even remember when that started. I don't even remember when the Disciplinary Committee started...or why. Probably shortly after I met them. It was quite amusing to run around slapping people with demerits and sending them to Cid's office. For any reason at all really. Maybe we didn't like someone, or maybe they had actually done something wrong. We didn't discriminate...heh.  
  
I think...I met Raijin first. He was a transfer from Galbadia. I guess he just didn't fit in well there. Balamb seems to collect misfits. I hate to admit it...but he saved my ass. Back when I was still trying to perfect my skills. Bloody Rexes. I can take them now...alone...no problem, but back then, they were the unskilled's worst nightmare. I thought I was going to die as soon as I saw it coming towards me. I didn't think anyone else was around until he was right next to me. After that day, he always seemed to show up wherever I was. It got rather annoying...I didn't need a fucking bodyguard. I told him so. It didn't put him off in the least. He never did leave me alone...and after awhile...I didn't want him to anymore. Sure, he wasn't the brightest guy out there...and he had the totally irritating habit (and still does) of putting "ya know?" at the end of everything he said, but he was the closest thing I had to a friend.  
  
Fujin. I think she was from Trabia...but I've never asked. She was so very different when she first came to Balamb. She was quiet, almost shy, and she whispered ENTIRE sentences. Heh heh. She still does...but not often. She was only interested in her classes...and in doing well. She really wanted to become a SeeD. One day...I saw her out by the entrance. There were a couple of fucks picking on her because she wore an eye patch...I never did ask her why she wears it...Oh well. To this day...I don't really know why I did anything about it. Maybe I thought I liked her...she was just as pretty then as she is now. Well, whatever the reason...I made the two guys leave her alone. That stunt caught me a week in the disciplinary room. On the plus side, they never bothered her again. When I got out...she was waiting there with Raijin. That's when she started to change into how everyone knows her now. I think she did what I did...built a wall. A nice, tough one. No one messed with her after she started yelling single words...though she still, on occasion, would "talk" to Raijin & I.  
  
Speak of the devil! That's her kicking my door right now. I guess I should go before she breaks it down. I know she can.The Wind is a lot tougher than it seems. Maybe...I should thank them for sticking with me...I seem to be saying that a lot... 


	6. Rinoa

RINOA  
  
  
Annoyingly sweet and caring Rinoa. Not to mention almost completely helpless as well. Maybe I'm the only one who's bothered by her smothering personality. Not that I hate her or anything. I just...can only take so much of her at once. Rinoa in moderation please. I don't know how Squall does it. How does he stay sane? I respect him a little more for that. It takes talent. I couldn't handle it when I dated her. It also didn't help that I wasn't really in to women to begin with...Kudos to you Squall.  
  
But I don't hate her. Why do I feel like I have to keep saying that? Probably because of how I act around her now. She's a sorceress...and that makes me nervous. I know it's stupid...and that it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I know that Ultimecia's gone...that she'll never possess anyone ever again, but I can't get over it. I don't know...and I WON'T ask how Rin feels when shy away from her and go pale. She looks hurt...but I can't help it.  
  
Once, a few weeks after I first came back, she came up behind me and touched my shoulder. When I turned and saw who it was...I almost jumped away from her...like she had the plague or something. I don't know the exact look on my face, but I'm sure it was one close to pure terror. I probably looked so bloody pathetic as I cowered against the wall. She looked about ready to cry...in fact, I think she did. I stayed in my room for three days after that...I needed to get a hold of myself. I knew she was having trouble with what she'd become...I knew the way I'd acted didn't help at all...but I was sure that what she'd gone through was nothing compared to what had happened to me. I still think that's the case...I think I'm the only one.  
  
Maybe I should apologize to her. She didn't deserve all that shit. She didn't deserve to be used by me in my attempt to be "normal". She never asked to become a sorceress. She never wanted any of this...at least I don't think so. I, on the other hand, walked right in, never looked back, took what was offered, and deserved every fucking moment of pain that I got. Yeah...so...I guess...I'll have to tell her I'm sorry...for everything...eventually. 


End file.
